not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you win again, gameday.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
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Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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