i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
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Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
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I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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