dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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