I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
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i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
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I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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