I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
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When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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