We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
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Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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