I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
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I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
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Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
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