If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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