So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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