he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
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We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
we should paint friendship bongs
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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