I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
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can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
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Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
you never un-have a 4some
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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