Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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