this beer tastes like vomit already
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
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The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
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I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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