Will you blow on my dice?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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