Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
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She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
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Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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