Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
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We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
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LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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