i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
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He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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