i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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