take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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