You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
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Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
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I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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