I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
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He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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