you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
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I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
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His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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