Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize