She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
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Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
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He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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