I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
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I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
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Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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