if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
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Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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