If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
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Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
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I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize