I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
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Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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