LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
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I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
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If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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