Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
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Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
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Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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