I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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