i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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