She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
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I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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