My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
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I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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