Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
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And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
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There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Randomize