if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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