The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize