This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
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i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
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You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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