There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
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there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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