Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
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Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
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And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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