This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
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