Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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