Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize