He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
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The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
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I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
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