You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
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he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
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You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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