Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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