If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Randomize