I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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