i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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