My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
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I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
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I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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